The Fourth Trimester.

9,almost 10 weeks have gone by since we brought sweet Porter Mae into this world. She is the light of  my life.

Since then, a lot has change, as one could only imagine it would. Let's get into it!

6 week postpartum check up.

I went in for my 6 week check up after giving birth. I love seeing my OB, and was honestly quite sad that it was going to be the last time (until baby #2). Since I gave birth vaginally and naturally, it was just a basic check up to see how I was feeling. I left all my pain at the hospital before we came home, so healing was a breeze! I had a second-degree tear that never bothered me and those stitches were now gone.Physically, I was doing great! And then he started digging for the deeper stuff, postpartum emotions. And I was able to smile and say I was doing great. That I loved being a mom and life was amazing. Then he hit a spot. My Doctor started going on about how Lee and I are made for each other, and how anyone in a room could see there was an absolute connection there. And he just kept going on about it, and I started crying. He cracked me. And he knew it. 

Since having Porter, tensions have been high between me and Lee. But it's not him. It's me. And I know it.When you hate your body, and you hate who you become,who else do you take it out on? I had changed. And I knew it.Having Porter has brought so much joy to my life. But noone would ever know that I struggled to feel a connection with her in those first 5 weeks. I didn't feel like a Mom, I felt like a babysitter. There was no question that I loved and adored this baby girl so much, but I just didn't feel like she was mine. And that took quite a toll on me. I felt guilty, like I didn't deserve this precious gift God had given me. I spent the first half of my maternity-leave napping with Porter and sitting in the dark, staring at a wall. Mix all of these things combined with lack of sleep, and there you have it, there I have it, Postpartum Depression. Just one more thing to add to my crazy life. But we're getting through it. And it can  only get better.

Breastfeeding.

Fed is best. I just want to start out by saying that, because it's true. But we decide to give ago at breastfeeding. And so far it's been pretty rewarding. I'll be honest, I loved it at first,then I hated it. It takes a toll on a new mom, because it's so very demanding! I cried  and cried in the middle  of the night while my husband was asleep next to me,and I was awake with Porter. Everyone always told me it was a bond  like no other! I never  felt that  bond, until 6+ weeks. And that made me feel  terrible.But now I do, and I see what they were talking about! However, we also introduced a bottle early on so that her Daddy could bond and feed her too.Pumping is a whole other story. Just like breastfeeding, it's demanding. Every 2-3 hours hooked up to a machine. Sitting alone in a room during family events  or in the middle of the night. Its exhausting, but yet so beneficial. In the last couple of weeks, I haven't been able to keep up with Porter Mae, so we've also had to supplement with some formula. That has been a task in itself. Crazy the kind of adjusting a baby's body must go through to adapt to formula. I've never been able to produce a"Stash" for her, just always to keep up. I fear my breastfeeding journey is coming to  an end, and it makes me quite sad,   so I have been trying EVERYTHING to keep it going. But I repeat,fed is best!

Sleep.

I don't feel like sleep has ever been a huge issue for us. Yes there were some long nights, but it was everything I expected it to be. Porter Mae was quite jaundice her first weeks of life. So she slept way more  than most newborns do. And she never really changed that after her jaundice was gone. We stopped waking her up in the middle of the night after her jaundice was gone and she caught back up to her birth weight. This helped a lot! She'll let me know when she's hungry though! As  of two weeks ago, she started sleeping through the night, with sometimes the exception of one feeding! I believe we  got lucky with this! 

Work.

Most of you know, I have returned to work! I've returned full time(which sometimes I regret) However,  I'm only a week in and I know it will get better. Porter also had  her first full week of daycare and babysitters and that was tough for me! I work until 8pm and so coming home and barley having any time with my babes is heartbreaking!! I returned to work though with a very positive outlook and feeling very inspired! I'm trying to get back to my passion for makeup as well! 

Physically.

As I stated above, I hate everything about how I look.Everyone always says "be proud of your body"  "you just had a baby" etc. Well,it's been two months and I still haven't grown to love my body or the stretch marks that came with it. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit.And I just don't feel like myself. To top it off, my job requires me to  look put together.But I'M TRYING. Since returning to work, I've been trying to get into a routine. I have been trying to make sure I do my hair and makeup every day, because it does make me feel better when I have it  done. Just sometimes finding the energy to do so is hard!

I gained about 45lbs during my pregnancy.I lost about 20lbs immediately. So I still have a ways to go. And I still have a lot of excess  flab hanging  every where. But recently I've started following the Keto lifestyle, and I'm liking it! 4lbs have gone in the last two weeks. I hope to implement a workout routine soon, but I'm still trying to  adjust to a new routine, so one step at a time!

Baby #2

Stop asking. Let me enoy this baby ;)