Baby #2

july 25,2019



24 weeks. 6 days.

This is how long I've been carrying our second child.

I just recently have been able to feel this baby move, kick, and hiccup.

I've always been told this baby has a good, strong heart beat.

So picture this.

3 1/2 weeks after our 20 week ultrasound, I go to our first prenatal appointment since.

I feel good. Only have gained 7lbs this pregnancy. I'm literally feeling great and excited to see the doctor.

I have no questions, no concerns. I'm just excited to hear the peanuts heartbeat.
Lee hasn't been attending the appointments with me because normally, they're about 10-15 minutes long and nothing to crucial. We decided once we get closer to baby day, it would make more sense.
So I'm alone, scrolling the interweb. Probably facebook.

My OB knocks, comes in,sits, and says "Okay, so here's what we're going to do about the cysts on the brain"

I thought he was joking. Trying to get me wild up. (this is just his personality )

He only had to say another sentence or two before I realized he wasn't joking.

At that moment, I couldn't hear anything he had to say. I just stared. I saw his mouth moving and I heard noise, but I wasn't really hearing.

I ended up interrupting and saying "Wait, they saw this on the ultrasound? on my baby?"

When I say I didn't hear much of what he was saying , it's because I didn't want to hear what he was saying.

Up until this point, I've always thought this baby was strong and healthy.

Now I don't know. We don't know.

These cysts are found in about 4-6% of healthy babies. Meaning they can eventually absorb.

These cysts are also a marker for trisomy 18 and trisomy 21.

Down Syndrome.

They appear in 14-30% of babies with down syndrome.

My head was spinning. My eyes were trying to hold in my tears. My throat was straining. I couldn't speak. Nothing could have prepared me for those words. I was caught so off guard and our life has been temporarily turned. I felt so alone. No one to look at. No one to grab my hand. No shoulder to lean on.

We've have always opted out of genetic testing with our children. But this was the next step in getting some answers. So yesterday, at 25 weeks, we spent the afternoon at another clinic doing blood draws.

Tests we won't even have answers to for the next 2 weeks.

The unknown has been so terrifying . It has literally made me sick. Could be nothing, could be a whole lot of something. I just don't know. What I do know is, I can't change a thing. It's just wondering how we move forward from here.

I try to remain positive, but also feel I need to prepare myself for the opposite. I have gone through just about all the emotions you could think of in the last 3 days. The first day was very confusing. I cried a lot. The second was the day of testing,and I just felt numb and nervous. Then I caught myself being angry. The third day, today, I can't stop crying. I am so afraid of the unknown. I have so many questions that don't have answers. And even though all could be okay, I'm still allowed to feel these things.

I have felt very shut down and wanting to keep to myself. Where as my husband wants to talk and to tell people. Its something I wanted to keep to myself, because people would have questions I don't have answers to.Lee telling people forced me to make phone calls and fill others in. Each time it killed me to have to repeat it.

I think to myself, "why can't I have a normal , uneventful pregnancy?"
Why can't I be normal.
But now, this is our normal.
And before I sound insensitive, I know Downs is NOT worse case scenario. However, it really is the unknown that is scary!

All of this is 100% DNA. There is not a thing I could have done to prevent or change it.

But as a mom, who is responsible for this little human, I can't help but feel extreme guilt or fault.

And not only for the baby , but for my family. My family that has to constantly worry, and ask questions, and pray for us. It takes some kind of toll on everyone. 

So, if you know me personally and I'm quiet, terrible at getting back, or if I'm rearranging my work schedule on short notice, just know it's because I have a lot wearing on me right now. 

These days, I am just praying a littler harder, and showing my love a little louder. Everything is in God's hands, and he wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. Although , I wonder just how strong he thinks I am.
And regardless of this outcome, I am ready to love this baby like I've never loved before.