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"Are you excited for this baby?!"
You innocently ask.
But let me ask you, "Excited for what?"
I live in a world where babies die.
Yes, you read that right. And it may sound morbid. But it's a sad reality I've been living in.
I live in a world where
 -The baby is given a fatal diagnosis-Something is making the baby incompatible with life outside the womb.
-Where excited parents go to their gender reveal appointment only to learn that something is not right.
-I live in a world where a mother’s body goes into labor before the baby is ready and no way to stop it
-I live in a world where full-term pregnancies end because of a cord accident. 
I live in a world where babies die for no reason at all.
After losing Samuel, I was never really afraid of Trisomy 18 playing a factor in another pregnancy. Instead, I was (And still am) afraid of all the other things that could wrong. (like listed above).And chances are, you probably know someone who has encountered one of those things, because the reality is, those situations really aren't uncommon at all.No longer is pregnancy a guarantee of a healthy child with a long life. I guess that is the lesson this loss has taught me. There are no guarantees. Not when you’re pregnant, not when they’re born, and not for the days that follow.
So am I excited?
I  am happy that God has given me a chance at another life.
Am I excited for her arrival? I am hopeful she will arrive. And anxiously awaiting these next few weeks. I am hopeful she will arrive with eyes wide open and heart beating strong.
Am I excited for people’s comments, well-wishes, and excitement? No. I’m terrified that my life will be shattered into a million pieces again and that those closest to me will become silent when things get hard.
One day, I hope to people will realize how vulnerable pregnancy is. It's messy. It's complicated. And it's not all rainbows and butterflies.Its filled with anxiety, fear and hope.

It doesn’t mean that I am not extremely grateful for another little human. It doesn’t mean this child isn’t so wanted.

But, it does mean that I am in a tough spot, a place I never imagined I would be. It means that I’ve been through a lot. It means that I’ve lost that innocent feeling, where “everything will be fine.” I live in a new world where things can go wrong. Very, very wrong: and they do.
So again, am I excited?
I am scared shitless.
But I am hopeful.
I am terrified.
But I am optimistic.
 I am in love.
I am in love with this tiny life growing inside of me . And I long to hear her cries and scream when she is placed on my chest.I am in love with this baby that will hopefully leave the hospital in a car seat that will be placed where her big brother's should have been.
A little girl that will grow to love the brother she never got to meet.
A little girl that will make Porter a big sister.
A little girl that will  help mend our broken hearts while always holding Samuel close.
And because of this kind of love,
I am hopeful.
I am scared shitless.
But I am happy.

I don’t have to be excited to be hopeful.

I will give myself a break and understand that my world looks different now and there is a reason for that. 


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