Wife&Mom Life

click  HERE  for part 1. Soon I felt nothing from the waist down. I lay there looking around for my husband. They told him 10 minutes, but 10 minutes had come and gone, and I couldn't find him. My mind was racing as I looked around. A deep panic set in. I saw the neonatologist to the right of me, and the anesthesiologist to the left of me. I got scared. What if he wasn't breathing when he came out. We would have done this all for nothing. We had already told the doctor any interventions that could be done on my chest were the only ones we wanted. I started panicking and needed to tell the neonatologist that I changed my mind. I got her attention, but before I could even speak, I was instantly crying and struggling to get my words out. I told her if Samuel was struggling, I wanted them to take him to the resuscitation room and do whatever they could to stabalize him. I made this decision without Lee. I felt guilt, but needed to know we could meet Samuel.

We have been overwhelmed by the love and support, the care, the cards and gifts, and the thoughts and prayers that have been said on our behalf. Your kindness has forever changed us and it's not something we will ever forget. Last week was an off week.  I couldn't stayed focused at work.  In fact, I was coming in from work for 2-3 hours at a time and hiding in my bed. Lee and I both had a breakdown in our bed earlier in the week. We just held each other and cried. We were so scared of the unknown. I was celebrating another week of pregnancy, yet I felt so robbed. We wondered if Samuel would know our love if we never got to meet him. But we were determine to carry and meet this sweet boy. I had posted an update for everyone on facebook early in the week, and I planned on stopping until we got some significant news. I didn't realize my next post would be so soon. But God knew. Thursday, September 5th was another full day of doctor appointments.

I feel so much has happened since the last time I wrote. I've gone through a lot of emotions, my newest being angry. And asking why us? Just when I think I'm ok, I find a little onesie we had purchased, or the bins of diapers, and bottles. Everything we had started preparing for our bundle of joy.. Even though I know this is God's will, it's hard to stay positive and hold it together. . It's a new kind of "numb" With my husband and I about to celebrate our 2ns anniversary, this was certainly not how we thought we'd be living our life . When we found out we were having our second baby, there were so many emotions.  We couldn't help but to get excited at the thought of Porter being a big sister. Then we found out back in May we were having a boy. Our family was to be complete and we were excited. We talked about our family of four and made plans. In one doctors visit, it changed to us praying that we'll get atleast some precious time with