Goodbye 2019.

2019. I didn't know 12 months could include some of the best , yet worst days of my life.  January started off with a group trip to Mexico.  February I took the leap invested my time in money to better my career.  March we found out we were expecting our second child.  April we told family of our news! May our daughter turned 1 and we found out we were having a BOY! By July our world had turned upside down.  August, our unborn son was diagnosed with Edward's Syndrome. September We gave birth and lost our son in within 3 hours. October-December were a blur. My PTSD has blocked a lot out of my memory, to the point I just feel like I'm living day to day. I have made it through Thanksgiving, and Christmas after the loss of Samuel. The holiday cheer was a little less vibrant for me this year.I've never known a pain like what I've experienced in these past months. It does not make a difference whether your child is three hours, three years, or thirty-three ;when your child dies, you…

Life After Loss

updated 10/17/2019
When we chose the name Samuel, we chose it based on a bible verse. 1 Samuel 1:27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." We never read onto the second part of the verse, until after he passed.  "So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” Little did we know, we were going to be giving him to the Lord, forever. We couldn't have picked a better name.
I should be 37 weeks pregnant.
37 weeks is when I went into labor with our daughter.
I should be round, rolling out of bed, and on baby watch.
Instead, I’m 6 weeks postpartum, with no baby in my arms.
There is no doubt in my mind these last weeks have been the hardest of my life. Recovering from a c-section, and grieving the loss of our baby boy is not how I planned on spending my maternity leave. The first week was spent crying, and not fully comprehending all that had just happened. I would fall asleep wrapping his blanket around me …

Meeting our Trisomy 18 baby: Part 2

click HERE for part 1.

Soon I felt nothing from the waist down. I lay there looking around for my husband. They told him 10 minutes, but 10 minutes had come and gone, and I couldn't find him.
My mind was racing as I looked around. A deep panic set in. I saw the neonatologist to the right of me, and the anesthesiologist to the left of me. I got scared. What if he wasn't breathing when he came out. We would have done this all for nothing. We had already told the doctor any interventions that could be done on my chest were the only ones we wanted.
I started panicking and needed to tell the neonatologist that I changed my mind. I got her attention, but before I could even speak, I was instantly crying and struggling to get my words out.
I told her if Samuel was struggling, I wanted them to take him to the resuscitation room and do whatever they could to stabalize him. I made this decision without Lee. I felt guilt, but needed to know we could meet Samuel. Not long after ,they shuf…

Meeting our Trisomy 18 Baby: Part 1

We have been overwhelmed by the love and support, the care, the cards and gifts, and the thoughts and prayers that have been said on our behalf. Your kindness has forever changed us and it's not something we will ever forget.
Last week was an off week.  I couldn't stayed focused at work.  In fact, I was coming in from work for 2-3 hours at a time and hiding in my bed. Lee and I both had a breakdown in our bed earlier in the week. We just held each other and cried. We were so scared of the unknown. I was celebrating another week of pregnancy, yet I felt so robbed. We wondered if Samuel would know our love if we never got to meet him. But we were determine to carry and meet this sweet boy. I had posted an update for everyone on facebook early in the week, and I planned on stopping until we got some significant news.
I didn't realize my next post would be so soon. But God knew.

Thursday, September 5th was another full day of doctor appointments. We were due for an ultrasound t…

Update #4

I feel so much has happened since the last time I wrote.
I've gone through a lot of emotions, my newest being angry. And asking why us? Just when I think I'm ok, I find a little onesie we had purchased, or the bins of diapers, and bottles. Everything we had started preparing for our bundle of joy..
Even though I know this is God's will, it's hard to stay positive and hold it together. . It's a new kind of "numb"
With my husband and I about to celebrate our 2ns anniversary, this was certainly not how we thought we'd be living our life .
When we found out we were having our second baby, there were so many emotions. 
We couldn't help but to get excited at the thought of Porter being a big sister. Then we found out back in May we were having a boy. Our family was to be complete and we were excited. We talked about our family of four and made plans.
In one doctors visit, it changed to us praying that we'll get atleast some precious time with our son. 

Part 3-update

After last week's appointments, we spent most of our weekend in a daze. We tried to keep busy to keep our minds busy. Our 1 year old is really good at distracting us.  Sunday, we decided to take our prayers to church.
We shuffled into the back pew of the church with my Grandpa.It was ironic to me the whole church service was based on "prayer' and how and when we should be praying. It seemed so fitting. And the final hymn of the day was "What a friend we have in Jesus". It's one I've known since my Sunday school days. But the words really hit me that day. As I was choking back tears, I could see my Grandpa wiping away his own. My Grandpa of course knows what is going on, but is not a man of many words. He doesn't need to be. But he's also not a man of many tears. I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've seen my Grandpa cry. 
On Monday, August 19th, I got the call that our amniocentesis test came back with 98% positive result for T18. Of cours…

"Not Compatible with life "Part 2

It had been over a week since we got the news of our genetic screening coming back positive for Trisomy 18. Although we had questions, we had no answers. And although a we went through a number of emotions, we still remained hopeful. Yesterday (August 15), We had our full day of scheduled appointments. I was oddly, very calm going into everything. I think I was just so ready to have answers. Our first appointment was meeting with the genetic counselor. His job was to explain our first test results, and answer any questions that we may have. He did a really good job of being informative. And he was hopeful this was just a fluke. The blood test wasn't THAT accurate and we had already made it this far into pregnancy. He would better prepare us for what was to come if the findings were confirmed.
We then went into an hour long ultrasound. Lee sat at top of the bed, and held my hand.  My eyes filled with tears seeing my baby again, he was strong, and moving around in there. He was perfect.