Wife&Mom Life

"Are you excited for this baby?!" You innocently ask. But let me ask you, "Excited for what?" I live in a world where babies die. Yes, you read that right. And it may sound morbid. But it's a sad reality I've been living in. I live in a world where   -The baby is given a fatal diagnosis-S omething is making the baby incompatible with life outside the womb. -Where excited parents go to their gender reveal appointment only to learn that something is not right. -I live in a world where a mother’s body goes into labor before the baby is ready and no way to stop it -I live in a world where full-term pregnancies end because of a cord accident.  I live in a world where babies die for no reason at all. After losing Samuel, I was never really afraid of Trisomy 18 playing a factor in another pregnancy. Instead, I was (And still am) afraid of all the other things that could wrong. (like listed above).And chances are, you probably know someone who

I am a good Mother . At least I like to think so. I'm not perfect by any means, but most days, I am good. It was 1:29pm on special day in May, when I first became a mom. Instincts naturally kicked in and it all felt natural. I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, but despite that crushing encounter, I was still able to perform my duties as a mom. I was happy to be a mom, to a beautiful baby girl. I was Tired, but I was happy. And things came easy. Being a family of three clicked for us. Then at 5:54pm on a September day,17 months after, I became a mom again. This time to a baby boy. But,these days, things don't always seem to click. And these days, I don't feel like a great mother, or even  a good one for that matter. And it's because, I don't know how to be a bereaved Mother. but a bereaved mother is what I am. And there's nothing that comes natural about it. It not natural to stand in the cemetery weeping over your child's gra

“How many pregnancies is this for you?” the nurse asked at our doctor appointment. I’ve always dreaded this question. I replied, “This is my third”.  But nothing could prepare for the ton of bricks that hit me when she asked “How many living children?”. I KNOW, I have TWO children, I brought them into this world, through my body. But to have to say outloud, I only have one on Earthside, it gets me every time. It still hurts, ya know? It's been 8 months and I still shed tears every.single.day. Sometimes I can simply blink away the tears. And sometimes, they're silent tears. You know, the ones when you feel your throat start to tighten, and feel the lump growing with in. But you don't dare to blink, or speak, because if you do, you may fall to your knees, and won't be able to stop the flood gates from opening. Every day is not a bad day. I have lots of good days. I really do!But there is something within every day that whispers his name.  Rainbow Baby:   a bab

2019. I didn't know 12 months could include some of the best , yet worst days of my life.  January started off with a group trip to Mexico.  February I took the leap invested my time in money to better my career.  March we found out we were expecting our second child.  April we told family of our news! May our daughter turned 1 and we found out we were having a BOY! By July our world had turned upside down.  August , our unborn son was diagnosed with Edward's Syndrome. September We gave birth and lost our son in within 3 hours. October-December were a blur. My PTSD has blocked a lot out of my memory, to the point I just feel like I'm living day to day. I have made it through Thanksgiving, and Christmas after the loss of Samuel. The holiday cheer was a little less vibrant for me this year.I've never known a pain like what I've experienced in these past months.  It does not make a difference whether your  child  is three hours, three years

updated 10/17/2019 When we chose the name Samuel, we chose it based on a bible verse. 1 Samuel 1:27-28 "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." We never read onto the second part of the verse, until after he passed.  " So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” Little did we know, we were going to be giving him to the Lord, forever. We couldn't have picked a better name. I should be 37 weeks pregnant. 37 weeks is when I went into labor with our daughter. I should be round, rolling out of bed, and on baby watch. Instead, I’m 6 weeks postpartum, with no baby in my arms. There is no doubt in my mind these last weeks have been the hardest of my life. Recovering from a c-section, and grieving the loss of our baby boy is not how I planned on spending my maternity leave. The first week was spent crying, and not fully comprehending all that had just happened. I

click  HERE  for part 1. Soon I felt nothing from the waist down. I lay there looking around for my husband. They told him 10 minutes, but 10 minutes had come and gone, and I couldn't find him. My mind was racing as I looked around. A deep panic set in. I saw the neonatologist to the right of me, and the anesthesiologist to the left of me. I got scared. What if he wasn't breathing when he came out. We would have done this all for nothing. We had already told the doctor any interventions that could be done on my chest were the only ones we wanted. I started panicking and needed to tell the neonatologist that I changed my mind. I got her attention, but before I could even speak, I was instantly crying and struggling to get my words out. I told her if Samuel was struggling, I wanted them to take him to the resuscitation room and do whatever they could to stabalize him. I made this decision without Lee. I felt guilt, but needed to know we could meet Samuel.