Goodbye 2019.

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2019.
I didn't know 12 months could include some of the best , yet worst days of my life. 
January started off with a group trip to Mexico. 
February I took the leap invested my time in money to better my career. 
March we found out we were expecting our second child. 
April we told family of our news!
May our daughter turned 1 and we found out we were having a BOY!
By July our world had turned upside down. 
August, our unborn son was diagnosed with Edward's Syndrome.
September We gave birth and lost our son in within 3 hours.
October-December were a blur.
My PTSD has blocked a lot out of my memory, to the point I just feel like I'm living day to day.
I have made it through Thanksgiving, and Christmas after the loss of Samuel. The holiday cheer was a little less vibrant for me this year.I've never known a pain like what I've experienced in these past months. It does not make a difference whether your child is three hours, three years, or thirty-three ;when your child dies, you die inside.
I have spent the last three months picking up the broken pieces. Except, they don't fit back together like they used to. I never know when grief will consume me. Sometimes it comes when watching a movie, or seeing a picture, or just when someone mentions him. 
I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to a New Year. But does turning that page mean leaving it all behind?  The New Year for me, marks just another year I won't be with our son. I worry the New Year may bring new challenges, and I'm not sure how much more I can handle.But, I do have New Years resolutions and they're not your typical ones.(Although I'd love to lose some weight)

I will often review this last year, the good, the bad, the hurt, the joy.

I will stop comparing my journey to other's. There is no timeline on grief and there is no right or wrong. I won't "Get over it" simply because someone else thinks it has been long enough.  I have accepted this is where I am supposed to be right now.

I will give myself permission not be my "normal self".  I am not who I used to be. Samuel has forever changed me, and I will not apologize for that.

I will be gentle and patient with myself. My body and soul are healing.

I will continue to give Samuel's life and death meaning. I will spend 2020 making his name known and bringing awareness to Edward's syndrome. I will officially launch "Smiling for Samuel" non-profit organization and we will give a $1000 scholarship in his name. Maybe even start writing a book.
  
My husband and I will finish the "baby room" in hopes to one day fill it. This completion will be a big milestone for us.

After millions of steps on my grief journey, I realize that every step I take is a step closer to being with Samuel again. But, I also realize it is my choice if these steps are taken with sadness, or if I attempt to find some joy in the rest of my journey. I am letting myself know that finding joy in life again doesn’t mean I will ever forget Samuel, but it does mean that I honor and cherish the place he had in my life and the love that we shared.
I welcome 2020 with open arms, but I will never forget 2019.

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