It's not natural.
I am a good Mother. At least I like to think so. I'm not perfect by any means, but most days, I am good.
It was 1:29pm on special day in May, when I first became a mom. Instincts naturally kicked in and it all felt natural. I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, but despite that crushing encounter, I was still able to perform my duties as a mom.
I was happy to be a mom, to a beautiful baby girl. I was Tired, but I was happy. And things came easy. Being a family of three clicked for us.
Then at 5:54pm on a September day,17 months after, I became a mom again. This time to a baby boy.
But,these days, things don't always seem to click. And these days, I don't feel like a great mother, or even a good one for that matter.
And it's because, I don't know how to be a bereaved Mother. but a bereaved mother is what I am. And there's nothing that comes natural about it.
It not natural to stand in the cemetery weeping over your child's grave. It's not natural writing your child's name on a death certificate- the same name you envisioned writing on baby books, school enrollment forms, and hundreds of other things in their lifetime. It's not natural to ask God why he took this child home.
10, almost 11 months later and I still don't know how to be this mom.
I stand over your burial site. Or I drive by, often not stopping or saying a word. No words come, because they don't exist. There are no words for the love I have for you and there are no words for this kind of loss.
I just go through the motions, every.single.day.
Some days , my brain is too tired. My soul is weak. And sometimes, my heart has troubles feeling.
I visit often. Try to be motherly. I bring you flowers. An act of love. Something to show you just how much you mean to me. But it's not natural.
After I ask God to tell you how much I love you, I wait around for a whispering wind to make music of your windchimes . Just so I know someone heard me.
As I drive home, I often ask myself, "Why can't I feel more?" "Why can't I say more?" And why can't my heart feel happiness, knowing you are in the hands of the one person who loves you more than I ever could? I just can't.
And then I come home. And I pickup where I left off. I go back to being a mother to your big sister. Back to it feeling natural. We carry on routine and I feel like a good mother again. It feels natural again.
But being a bereaved mother is not natural. and for that I am sorry.
I have lifetime to live without you.
A lifetime to talk about you.
And a lifetime to do it better.
It was 1:29pm on special day in May, when I first became a mom. Instincts naturally kicked in and it all felt natural. I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, but despite that crushing encounter, I was still able to perform my duties as a mom.
I was happy to be a mom, to a beautiful baby girl. I was Tired, but I was happy. And things came easy. Being a family of three clicked for us.
Then at 5:54pm on a September day,17 months after, I became a mom again. This time to a baby boy.
But,these days, things don't always seem to click. And these days, I don't feel like a great mother, or even a good one for that matter.
And it's because, I don't know how to be a bereaved Mother. but a bereaved mother is what I am. And there's nothing that comes natural about it.
It not natural to stand in the cemetery weeping over your child's grave. It's not natural writing your child's name on a death certificate- the same name you envisioned writing on baby books, school enrollment forms, and hundreds of other things in their lifetime. It's not natural to ask God why he took this child home.
10, almost 11 months later and I still don't know how to be this mom.
I stand over your burial site. Or I drive by, often not stopping or saying a word. No words come, because they don't exist. There are no words for the love I have for you and there are no words for this kind of loss.
I just go through the motions, every.single.day.
Some days , my brain is too tired. My soul is weak. And sometimes, my heart has troubles feeling.
I visit often. Try to be motherly. I bring you flowers. An act of love. Something to show you just how much you mean to me. But it's not natural.
After I ask God to tell you how much I love you, I wait around for a whispering wind to make music of your windchimes . Just so I know someone heard me.
As I drive home, I often ask myself, "Why can't I feel more?" "Why can't I say more?" And why can't my heart feel happiness, knowing you are in the hands of the one person who loves you more than I ever could? I just can't.
And then I come home. And I pickup where I left off. I go back to being a mother to your big sister. Back to it feeling natural. We carry on routine and I feel like a good mother again. It feels natural again.
But being a bereaved mother is not natural. and for that I am sorry.
I have lifetime to live without you.
A lifetime to talk about you.
And a lifetime to do it better.
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