Party Until 3am! Just kidding, Party of 3!

There are plenty of books out there that will tell you what it's like to be pregnant and all of the things to expect. There's also my Dear Friend Google.(something I should really stay off of) But all in all, there are a ton of resources out that talk about what to expect while pregnant; Things like: When you'll gain weight, what kind of diet to follow, what kinds of things to buy to prepare for baby, things about labor. There is a ton of information out there and I'm so thankful for that. However, there's not a whole lot out there to tells you about how your every day life will be effected, how your relationship will change, or how friendship changes. And there's definitely not enough information about the emotional toll (on top of all the hormones) that pregnancy will take on you..

Being a first time Mom, I will probably never feel ready. But I also didn't realize how much things would change, so early on.Want to know who your real friends are? Get pregnant. Sure, there are friends that will say how excited they are for you and how they cant wait to meet the baby. But there, are also the friends who never ask "How are you" or the friend you used to talk about everything with and now a text message is so far few and in between. Like, I know your excited for the baby, but do I not exist for the next 5 monhts until she's here? In central Wisconsin (especially in these cold winter weeks) there's not a lot to do except go out and drink or go out and eat. Obviously, I cannot go out and drink anymore , but hey, this baby mama loves food! Just because I can't close the bar down, doesn't mean I'm not the same person I used to be before I was pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I'm inconveniencing friends by talking about my pregnancy.So I just stop talking. You get to watch from a distance as they live their life, and you get to sit back and live your's from the couch in your living room. I guess that's where you realize maybe you don't have a lot in common anymore. And that down-right sucks. And it's nothing they did, and it's nothing I did. I miss my friends . And that's just it.

No one can prepare you for how much you might hate yourself when you look in the mirror. I was already at my heaviest when we got pregnant, but now I've added to it. Yes, I know, I'm growing a human. But most girls have been conscious about our looks and our weight for as long as we can remember. Its just second nature. I always said I wouldn't"let myself go" while pregnant. But I have. The first trimester was hell for me. I was always sick with some sort of viral infection, I couldn't stay awake past 7pm, and most days I would need a 2 or 3 hour nap to make it through the day. So, I gave up on my appearance, I let my love for hair and makeup kind of escape me. I just didn't have  the energy. With that follows the thoughts of "Does my husband still find me attractive?" I mean, I'm disgusted to look at myself in the mirro. Sure,,my boobs got bigger, but this definitely isn't the girl he started dating, or married for that matter. And there's so many skinny, pretty girls who keep up with themselves, and that's just not me anymore. So no, no one tells you the toll pregnancy would take on your confidence.

I thought I had crazy, anxious thoughts before pregnancy, but nothing could prepare me for the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis now. It would honestly be scary to another person to hear my thoughts now that I am pregnant. But really, one thing I think about most is how my relationship is going to change. Lee reassures it's going to be for the better, and I do believe him. However, the life we built together with just the two of us, is all I've ever known. Now we're about to bring this tiny human in the world and try to figure out life with her. You hear how life changes once you have babies, and I am SO.TERRIFIED. Life has always been good for Lee and I. Our relationship has never been on the rocks;obviously we've had typical arguments but nothing that would ever end us. I've gotten so used to Lee and I time. Time where we can pick up and leave for the weekend if we want to,you know,  time where it just the two of us. I'm in no way shape ,or form expecting a baby to be easy. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Scared out of my mind to be exact. However, there might be something wrong with me if I wasn't scared.

Although being scared, feeling ugly, and feeling like I have no friends, I'm still so happy. So happy,and so excited. I've been blessed to be carrying this baby.She's going to change my world the minute I see her.She's going to change our world. And that's just it. It's OUR world and our lives, and, in the end, it's what we make it. And I'm 100% confident, even if I come out of this pregnancy 50lbs heavier, Lee is still going to love me. And he's going to love this little girl. And that's all I really need. Even google doesn't need to tell me that.