To my husband.

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It's times like now I'm trying to think back and reminisce on our honeymoon that was only 9 short months ago.  Do you remeber?  Do you remember the love we shared as newly weds? I do. They were some of the best days of my life (thus far)


I wore a Bikini and we laid around drinking fruity drinks all day. Played in the ocean. Laid in the sand. I wore little dresses out to dinner, and we laughed, and we loved, and we kept reliving our wedding day because it was perfect.  Now that seems forever ago.
Now, you won't catch me in a bikini. Or little dresses. Because just one day after returning home from vacation, we found out we were pregnant. And it was then I knew life would forever change.

I'm not the person I used to be. Who knew 10 months could change a person so much. Im not the bride you married, and I'm so sorry for that.I want you to know that your bride still exists, somewhere under this hot mess. She just needs time to figure out how to make her comeback.She needs to gain the confidence back.She needs you. 
She looks different, she feels different.

It was impossible for us to know what any of this would be like, this new part of life.. We went into labor clueless, relying on  google and pregnancy books. But you calmed my nerves and held me through every contraction.I didnt know it was possible to love you any more than i already did, but as you held me through labor, I realized I was wrong.  You helped through all the pain and scary parts. I watched you cry after seeing our baby girl for the first time.  You told me how proud you were of me and my “superhuman strength,” and you helped me with tough times after ,when I felt like my strength had left my body. You watched as I stood up off the bed and  blood ran down my legs. You watched as the nurse walked me to the bathroom  and showered me. You watched through the most vulnerable time of my life and still managed to call me beautiful.
Did you know, your love for us made me forget all the pain?

You love me just the same. Maybe— you love me more. You try to help me love this new version of myself, lord knows I'm trying.

3 weeks post partum. And I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm just 24. I was supposed to bounce back. And I haven't. My hair is always in a mess and my dressing style has changed drastically.  Nothing fits. Not even my maternity clothes ..Im exhausted.. my makeup doesn't cover the bags under my eyes . I think to myself why would my husband want to be romantic with someone who looks like that.. there's nothing flattering about the mess I've become,and I know it... 
So I need you to hug me when I’m standing half naked  staring at my clothes in our closet. I need you to just hold me when I’m overwhelmed standing there with tears in my eyes.

I didn’t expect it to be this overwhelming but it is.Some days are hard, and some nights are harder. We don’t get much sleep between the diaper changes and feedings. My tone of voice has changed, and every thing you say seems to make me mad(for no reason at all) .Some days I don’t even get a shower. And most of the time, I walk around for hours with dried milk on my shirt, or my bra hanging out. But you don't seem to mind.

Having a baby changed our lives, its undeniable. And sometimes I miss the freedom that came with just being the two of us. Being able to have spontaneous date nights. Or me curling up on you to watch a movie, but falling asleep 15 minutes in.. 
But now I have something else.
I have the sight of you as you sit and gaze at our beautiful baby. 
I have the sound of the rocking chair while you feed her and smile, and gaze at her.
I have an even deeper love for you.
 I never want to loose “us” in the chaos of life.

I don’t want change to mean letting go of the things that made us fall in love in the first place. Im going to work hard on loving myself the way that you love me.
I love being your wife, and I love doing this parenting thing with you. This is the new us.And even though we have a teeny tiny human now,who we love so much, you're still my number #1. Although things are hard right bow, I know we will be okay.
Love,
Your wife after a baby

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