Postpartum Depression - the REAL fourth trimester

Have you ever had so much to say but you can't find the right words? Or you have the right words but you can't get them out without breaking into tears?

This has been me for the last 4 months.

It's been awhile since I've written any blog. And normally I find writing easier then I find talking to one single person. But I haven't been able to bring myself to write out of fear of judgement. Judgement by friends , family, and social media sanctimommies. (evil moms who believe they do no wrong)

Have you ever noticed that anything you do as a mom, its always wrong to SOMEONE? The pressure to be perfect and do everything right is just unreal. Society has such unrealistic expectations, and they're not afraid to tell you their opinion.

On my last blog, I touched briefly on being diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. That was hard enough to share to the world. But now after living with it for four months, I thought I'd share my experience, and maybe someone can relate. Or maybe this will help someone understand.It's not for attention, or sympathy, I want people to understand this is REAL.

Postpartum depression hurts. It hurts a lot. And it doesn't just hurt me, it hurts my husband too. And everyone around me actually. Do you know how hard it is to explain all the thoughts in your head to somones when you're not even sure how to say them or what is really wrong?

Its an unwelcome feeling that is hard to explain and sometimes I don’t even want to admit it to myself or say it out loud. So I’m going to try my best to say it here.

::This is not how PPD looks on every woman. This is how PPD affects me and my family.

I want to run away. From everything and everyone. I feel lost i EVERYTHING:: diapers, breastfeeding(or extreme effort to breastfeed), my job, my dirty house. I feel as though I’ve lost this career-driven womanand she’s been replaced with someone I can't recognize. Who this women arguing with my husband over every, single thing.

This is not me.and its not the life I pictured for our family.

Some days I lock myself in the bathroom. Mondays I get to spend all day with my baby girl. I soak up every minute. But some Mondays I count down the minutes until my husband is home. I just need 5 minutes of quiet time to clear my head and pause from the non-stop thoughts. But it those 5 minutes,I don't clear my head. I stare in the mirror and hate the person I see. I'm only 24, the weight was supposed to fall and I was supposed to bounce back. And I haven't. I'm not the skinny girl my husband fell in love or married, and truth be told, I don't know if I'll ever be.

Sometimes Id rather sit in a dark room and stare at the walls.I’m completely exhausted, every…damn…day. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get – I just have no energy. When it comes down to showering or sleeping I will choose sleep 97% of the time. In thinking about it now I guess I should probably choose showering since the amount of sleep I get never seems like it’s enough. I know I need to take better care of myself but where does one find the ambition?

Some days I take EVERYTHING out on my husband. Literally EVERYTHING! And for some reason I can’t stop, it just happens over and over and over. Yes I feel extreme guilt and I dont apologize near enough. But the thing is, I don’t know how to stop it. I feel like a volcano that continuously erupts. Like a ticking bomb. Sometimes the smalles things push me over the edge.I don't want to be that wife.This is not the marriage I envisioned for us.I'm not the wife I envisioned to be.

Some days I can’t stop crying. It’s not just hormones – I’ve been there, we’ve all been there. And I DESPISE anyone who tells me it's hormones, even during pregnancy. This is uncontrollable. This is crying out of despair to just feel normal again, to be able to remain calm, to go out in public without anxiety, tojust be my happy self again.

Some days I scream, slam doors and throw things at the wall because I feel like I’ve lost all control.. This one is hands-down hardest to write because I’m sooo incredibly ashamed, embarrassed, confused, lost, helpless – I don’t even tell my close family. When I talked to my OB about this, he referred to this as post-partum rage and claims that it is also common although probably not diagnosed as often. I have never felt so out of control, and it scares me. It's not an every day occurrence, but I wish I could control it. Please know, I've NEVER been a violent person and I've NEVER had thoughts of hurting my baby, myself, or my husband.

Look at this photo, believe it or not, this is what Postpartum depression looks like. This is what my postpartum depression looks like. Putting on a smile, putting on a show. You'll see these photos posted all over my social media. Of course I make life look fantastic. Because why would I want you to see the bad the comes along with it? You would never know how insecure I felt that day. You'll never know that I picked these pictures apart, hating how I looked. You'll never know that just the day before, my husband and I were not on talking terms because of a silly fight that broke out due to my overthinking-my anxiety, one that i just couldn't "let go". Hides pretty well doesn't it?

Postpartum is 100% real.

The emotions, the guilt, the exhaustion.

And with my side affects- it has nothing to do with not loving or wanting my baby. I love her more than words could ever say. She is the light of my life.And my husband is of course my better half.

But this darkness makes motherhood 100x more challenging. It impacts my every day thoughts and actions. 

It changes how we see ourselves. It makes us feel isolated and alone, even when we're not.It damages and breaks relationships...It sees us at our most vulnerable,life changing time of our lives, and it creeps in and destroys us.

I didn't ask for this, and would never wish it upon anyone.

But the hard truth is, many women also suffer.

So be a friend. Reach out to your Mom Friends, because chances are, they probably need a friend more now then they ever have.

As for me, its just a journey. This isn't my final resting spot. I know things WILL GET BETTER. There will be good days, and there will be bad days.I have to take them a day at a time.

"But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry, it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness more often"