My breastfeeding journey.

It was Monday, October 22nd. I sat on Porter's nursery floor lost in silent tears. I didn't think this would be so hard , I didn't think I'd be so emotional.

October 22nd was the day I put all my breastfeeding supplies away. I tucked my pumps and all it's parts into a box. I slowly pushed it to the back of her closet.

I wanted to breastfeed SO BAD. I wanted to be successful and I just wasn't.

My breastfeeding journey started off great. Porter knew what to do right away. But since she was 3 weeks early and very jaundice, she was too tired to stay latched. Yet, I hand expressed and fed her with a spoon.  I had my one nipple pierced a couple years ago, and had taken it out long before pregnancy , but Porter was having a hard time latching on that side. So I used a nipple shield.

My sister in-law is a rockstar breast feeder and pumper and I wanted to be just like her. If she can do it so could I! She  kept me so encouraged.   She me many articles through my pregnancy , and I read and I learned. So I felt like I knew what to do from the very beginning.

But soon Porter had lost 13% of her body weight. We were admitted to the hospital for her weight and jaundice levels. There I began pumping . I can't tell you the amount of relief that brought to me breasts. And Porter took the bottle like a champ and downed those ounces of milk.

After 2 1/2 days in the hospital, I thought we'd have it down. I thought I was in a good routine. But being home and having to keep up with this routine proved to be harder than I expected. But we made it work.

It took me a good 5-6 weeks to feel that connection that everyone talked about when it comes to breastfeeding. All I felt was tired, and sore. But when I finally came around to that feeling, I never wanted it to end. Our bodies are so freaking amazing!

I loved breastfeeding. It was so easy and convenient especially f we were at family's house for a gathering  (And honestly gave a good excuse to avoid socialization sometimes).

• I didn't come from a family that breastfed. Everyone used formula. So I quickly got annoyed discouraged, and frustrated when I kept hearing "why don't you just switch to formula" "formula would be so much easier" . I didn't feel supported, but I kept on trucking.

By week 7, I found that Porter was quickly catching up with my small stash in the fridge. And I panicked. I was going back to work at 8 weeks, how was I supposed to feed her while she was at daycare? So I invested A LOT of money in supplements, teas, cookies, anything you could think of. And I had hope. By this time, we were filling Porter's bottle with about an ounce of formula just to fill her tummy. You can only guess it got worse when we sent her to daycare.

This is where I believe things took a turn for the worse.

It was the weekend before I went back to work. I remembered waking up to feel my chest to see how full my boobs were. And they weren't. At all. They were saggy, not firm. They just felt empty. I pumped and only got an ounce. Once again, I panicked. MY sister-in-law, and doctor reassured me it was just an 8 week postpartum thing. That my body was just regulating hormones again. So I went with that. But again, I stocked up on cookies,brownies, and supplements.

Before I knew it, I was out of breastmilk in the fridge. I tried to breastfeed when I came home from work at night, and whenever Porter would wake up in the middle of the night. But it was always followed by a bottle.

I remember I had a wedding venue to travel to that was about an hour away, and I hooked myself up to the pump the whole drive there, and the whole drive back, and I didn't even get an ounce. Talk about feeling like a failure. Later that day, Lee and I were headed to supper and I was telling him about it. He looked at me and said, "When are you just going to call it quits for good." I just shrugged my shoulders, looked out the window, and choked back the tears. I was absolutely not ready to quit.

So once again, I hit the supplements hard. If people who never had a baby could make them selves lactate, I could make myself RE-LACTATE. I was bound and determined. At that point I was only taking 3 capsules of Fenugreek a day. So I bumped it up to to 2 capsules, three times a day. I was hopeful. I did this for about a week before I was getting close to nothing when pumping. And that's when I had an "Ah-ha" moment. Maybe the fenugreek was hurting my supply not helping it. Maybe my breasts just don't respond their best with this pump. So I quit the fenugreek, and ordered a different pump .When I hooked myself up to this pump, I was SO SO SO hopeful. It felt so different from my original one. I pumped every hour to hour and a half every day. I was trying to tell my body, "hey i need the milk". But, my body never got that message.

Here's the thing. Everyone can tell you "Fed is Best". Because its true. Is you baby fed? Is your baby thriving? That's all that matters.

But I will tell you, I can accept failure, I can't accept not trying.

My body was meant to feed my baby, so why wasn't it working? Why? I feel like I tried everything. Every time I thought about quitting, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Because there had to be just one more thing I could try. Something HAD to work. and it didn't.

I am 110% heartbroken about not being able to do this one thing  for my baby. And I don't think it was until that Monday that my husband realized it.  I was sitting in my rocking chair in the nursery when he got home. I had just finished putting all the stuff away for the next baby. He said  to me "Does that make you sad?". And I nodded my head because I knew if I were to talk, I would burst into tears again. He then asked if I was going to cry and I begged him to stop poking at me. And insisted he just wanted to know why it made me sad. He asked if it was because I felt like I failed? I nodded, and started to ugly cry. He picked me up out of the chair and just held me while I cried. He reassured me I wasn't a failure and told me how proud of me he was. He said he was proud because I tried, and I tried, and didn't go down without a fight .

And I have to remind myself, I tried. I triedso damn hard.

I've had to remove myself from 'mom groups: on facebook, because I found myself enving and sad over another mom's joy of breastfeeding their baby. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when people ask if I'm breastfeeding. 

I know fed is best. My baby girl is happy and thriving , but this doesn't make me feel any better right now. 

I pray that my next go around is better. And I envy and praise all those mommies who are going strong. And to the mommies like me, you're amazing too , and your baby loves you just the same ❤️