"Not compatible with life"

Dierks Bentley lyrics keep replaying in my mind: "Some days you just breath in

Just try to break even.Sometimes your heart's poundin' out of your chest. Sometimes it's just beatin'"

Right now, I'm just trying to break even and swear my heart is barely beating.

3 1/2 weeks after our 20 week anatomy scan, I was told the found cysts on our baby's brain. Which could potentially be a marker for downs syndrome. As scary as that was, my doctor was very hopeful my baby was healthy, and things would turn out okay. He recommended we go forward with genetic blood testing. And so we did . It was going to be about two weeks to hear the results.

two weeks ago, we got the phone call saying our blood work came back completely normal without any concern.

What a relief and a weight off our shoulders.  We let our families and friends know that all the prayers had worked-We presumed life without a worry. 

Fast forward to last tuesday (two weeks after the finding of the cysts)where we had our follow up with our OB.

It was De ja vu.

He comes in, sits down and says "I wish I had great news for you"

And I laughed, and said "But you do, right? Your nurse called and said everything was ok!"

I, foolishly, once again thought he was joking with me. (not that this is anything to joke about)

He wasn't.
Our worst fears were confirmed when he said the genetic testing came back with a greater than 50% chance of Trisomy 18-Edwards syndrome.

Trisomy 18.’ ‘Incompatible with life.’ 
I think back to that day  and how those words shook my pregnant body to the core and crushed the deepest parts of my soul. 

I don't think his words hit me right away. I looked up at Lee, and continued conversation with my doctor.

It wasn't until he told me, this was out of his hands. 

He would now be handing me over to High Risk Doctors, Maternal Fetal Specialists, and Genetic Counselors.

I broke. I'd be losing the OB I was comfortable with. The guy who has been with me through two pregnancies. I would no longer be able to deliver at the hospital I did with my daughter.

I was crushed. And this is when I knew things were serious.

The next steps in all of this is meeting with Maternal Fetal Specialists.
From there we will meet with the genetic counselors to help us better understand everything.

They will perform Amniocentesis . A test where they extract amniotic fluid to do further testing. Of course, with anything, there comes risk. We will also do an invasive level 2 ultrasound.

Best Case scenario- there is a chance this could all be wrong. There could be some kind of fluke. And everything could be okay. This is what we're praying so so hard for.
But our doctor is concerned with the numbers that came back. And we need to prepare our selves for either outcome.

 I  went  home to Google -searching for hope. Instead, I found none. I closed my browser feeling worse than when I opened it. I didn’t understand how the baby so full of life within me could be THAT sick. 

NOTHING in this world could have prepared me for that feeling.

To watch my husband (who I've seen teary eyed one time) break down and sob, and there were no words that could make it better. I tried to be strong for him but I was so weak myself.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Trisomy 18, it is a rare form of Down Syndrome. 1 in 6,000 babies.

However, most babies won't make it to birth. If they do, it is very rare for them to make it past 10 days old.

They are just "not compatible with life" as I've been told.

Will I even have a baby? What is going to happen?
Why did this happen?

I don't have time to be broken right now,even though it's been so hard to smile and carry on with my days. My daughter needs her mom and dad . I need to be there for my husband. We need each other. 

Besides playing the absolute worst waiting game of my life, there's nothing we can do.

No direction we can take. Because, if this is all confirmed, the reality is, "it is what it is"

There's not a single thing in this life I could have done to protect my child. 

NOTHING.

And as a mother, that hurts the absolute most.

I tell people about our on-going story, and they don't know what to say, and it's okay. I don't have words or answers either. But the amount of support and love that has been sent our way has really been amazing.

As you continue along with our story, our journey, please say a few extra prayers, because my family could use them.

To Be Continued.