Its okay not to be okay.

The other day, I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a "friends"post about how people shouldn't complain about pregnancy because not everyone can be pregnant or they've dealt with an unfortunate circumstance of miscarriage.I'm not  heartless, I feel for all those women in the worls. And although I understood her point of view,I'm on the other side of things to say, It's okay not to be okay while pregnant.  

Since I was high school, I have always suffered from depression/anxiety. I started taking  medications for it around my sophomore year . It was something that ran in our family. Its just something you learn to live with. After a few years of medications, I met my (now) husband, and decided I didn't want him to think I was crazy and I didn't want to rely on the pills to make me feel good. And it worked for awhile. He took away a lot of the pain and didn't even know it. But the summer before our wedding I decided it was time to try again with medications, and I did. And I felt better. Then we got pregnant and I stopped again. However, I feel like pregnancy has balanced me out in some way or form. And only to an extent.

I was caught off guard when we became pregnant so soon. I've expressed in previous posts about my feelings of the news, mostly excited, but yet still scared.  In the beginning, I found that some of the joy, soon turned to gloom.  I would find  myself crying at night. But why was I crying? I cried because I was loosing the body I once knew. When I look in the mirror I see a frumpy girl in her 20s. You'd expect I'd be glowing, but instead I have pimples and blemishes, and that's something I've never had to deal with. I cried because my relationship with my husband was going to change. I cried because friends change. Those were all normal thing pregnant people cry over. I get that. But deep down there was so much more I was/am battling. I never let my husband see me cry, because I felt so guilty. Something that should of brought so  much joy,brought so much anxiety.  I was able to talk about my anxious feelings with him. Although, I don't think he understood, he was always supportive. His caring personality  made me feel SO guilty. I felt guilt because he married someone like me, guilt that I couldn't shake these feelings I had no matter how hard I tried, guilt,that right now, I don't seem like or feel like an ideal wife. .

The thoughts that crossed my mind were always on so many different levels. But I remember thinking: "What is wrong with me? We wanted this baby! I wanted this baby! How could I ever wish I wasn't pregnant? How could I think such a terrible thing? I don't deserve to be a mom, or a wife to my husband. I really don't deserve them." Then to think of all the people who try so hard to get pregnant, and can't. And here I was having these thoughts.It was never ending guilt. The more guilt, the more depressed  I felt. I know that I am over the moon happy about being pregnant, so it just wasn't making sense to me why I would have any negative thoughts.

Everyone always talks about Postpartum Depression. Noone ever talks about Antepartum Depression. And that's what this is.

What is Antepartum?
Medical Definition of antepartum. : relating to the period before parturition : depression before childbirth.

 14-23% of women who are expecting will experience some form of depression. Its not uncommon. Its just unspoken about.  As pregnant women, we are supposed to be happy, and glowing, and just delighted. The social pressures only adds to the guilt we feel when are aren't feeling the way we're "supposed" to. And then there's the stigma around the emotions we feel when we are pregnant. Most people dismiss them as "pregnancy hormones". I've rarely cried in front of people but when I did, I can't tell you how many people made the comments about "welcome to  pregnancy" or " gotta love the pregnancy hormones". And I would get so furious. Because they really had no idea what was going on inside. But until we can change the conversation about how  physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy can be, we all just continue to wear a mask. I'm  tired of feeling like I'm wrong just because every day is not rainbows and butterflies. 

As this pregnancy has progressed, and I have read a little more into  antepartum, I have found ways to deal with these sudden burst of sadness and guilt. But then you have weeks like I'm about to have, where your forced to sit down(because of bed rest) with your own thoughts all day , and you don't know where it's going to take you. And with all the unknowns that Baby S has set up for us, I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells every day.Which only sends my anxiety through the roof. The days we have to make the emergency trips to our doctor, makes me feel like a huge inconvenience. I feel like everyone is judging me, or thinks I'm overreacting. Even if they're not, it's what I have trained my brain to think. Only causing more anxiety in these types of situations. I think I am a perfect example of "Don't judge a book by its cover". Of course all my instagram posts are happy! Why would I want anyone to see I'm struggling. But I'm here to tell you I am struggling. I'm human. But I know I'll be okay. And I know this can be kicked. 

 I don't think my struggles are over, but I do make a solid effort to find joy and happiness in my days, and in my life with my husband. 

I do know that we are looking forward to meeting our little girl in the next couple of weeks. Her kicks serve as a reminder that I'm that much closer to meeting her. But for now, one day at a time for me and this baby girl.
Some of you may understand 100% just where I am coming from. Others may think I'm selfish, or will just never understand. And that's okay too.
But to any other mamas struggling, whether it be because pregnancy has made you despise your body,  or because you  have to hug the toilet after every meal, or because you  feel the way I do, Im jusy here to tell you, it really is okay, to not be okay.
-All my love