Wife&Mom Life

It was Monday, October 22nd. I sat on Porter's nursery floor lost in silent tears. I didn't think this would be so hard , I didn't think I'd be so emotional. October 22nd was the day I put all my breastfeeding supplies away. I tucked my pumps and all it's parts into a box. I slowly pushed it to the back of her closet. I wanted to breastfeed SO BAD. I wanted to be successful and I just wasn't. My breastfeeding journey started off great. Porter knew what to do right away. But since she was 3 weeks early and very jaundice, she was too tired to stay latched. Yet, I hand expressed and fed her with a spoon.  I had my one nipple pierced a couple years ago, and had taken it out long before pregnancy , but Porter was having a hard time latching on that side. So I used a nipple shield. My sister in-law is a rockstar breast feeder and pumper and I wanted to be just like her. If she can do it so could I! She  kept me so encouraged.   She me many articles throug...

Have you ever had so much to say but you can't find the right words? Or you have the right words but you can't get them out without breaking into tears? This has been me for the last 4 months. It's been awhile since I've written any blog. And normally I find writing easier then I find talking to one single person. But I haven't been able to bring myself to write out of fear of judgement. Judgement by friends , family, and social media sanctimommies. (evil moms who believe they do no wrong) Have you ever noticed that anything you do as a mom, its always wrong to SOMEONE? The pressure to be perfect and do everything right is just unreal. Society has such unrealistic expectations, and they're not afraid to tell you their opinion. On my last blog, I touched briefly on being diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. That was hard enough to share to the world. But now after living with it for four months, I thought I'd share my experience, and maybe...

9,almost 10 weeks have gone by since we brought sweet Porter Mae into this world. She is the light of  my life. Since then, a lot has change, as one could only imagine it would. Let's get into it! 6 week postpartum check up. I went in for my 6 week check up after giving birth. I love seeing my OB, and was honestly quite sad that it was going to be the last time (until baby #2). Since I gave birth vaginally and naturally, it was just a basic check up to see how I was feeling. I left all my pain at the hospital before we came home, so healing was a breeze! I had a second-degree tear that never bothered me and those stitches were now gone.Physically, I was doing great! And then he started digging for the deeper stuff, postpartum emotions. And I was able to smile and say I was doing great. That I loved being a mom and life was amazing. Then he hit a spot. My Doctor started going on about how Lee and I are made for each other, and how anyone in a room could see there wa...

It's times like now I'm trying to think back and reminisce on our honeymoon that was only 9 short months ago.  Do you remeber?  Do you remember the love we shared as newly weds? I do. They were some of the best days of my life (thus far) I wore a Bikini and we laid around drinking fruity drinks all day. Played in the ocean. Laid in the sand. I wore little dresses out to dinner, and we laughed, and we loved, and we kept reliving our wedding day because it was perfect.  Now that seems forever ago. Now, you won't catch me in a bikini. Or little dresses. Because just one day after returning home from vacation, we found out we were pregnant. And it was then I knew life would forever change. I'm not the person I used to be. Who knew 10 months could change a person so much. Im not the bride you married, and I'm so sorry for that.I want you to know that your bride still exists, somewhere under this hot mess. She just needs time to figure out how to...

So I guess this is where my journey ends. My journey of pregnancy that is. 5 days ago when I wrote my last blog, I was 37 weeks pregnant, today I'm 3 day post partum. It's truly crazy how fast life changes. I've anticipated this moment for the last 9 months.  And just like that,  the "moment " was over and  I became a mom! Was the moment everything I thought it would be? It was more. More in every way possible.  More intense , more frustrating,  more emotional,  more exhausting.  It was just more. This last Tuesday, (37 weeks+3) I had my routine checkup with my doctor. And we decided to strip my membranes . I waited all day for the moment things would change.  And nothing was happening.  So I carried on, but by 8pm, my contractions had taken a turn and i this was something different.  We packed up the car, being 100% sure we weren't coming home without a baby this time. The pain was intense , the car ride was long, and time stood...

I'm now 37 weeks pregnant , and if you're still following along on my journey,  welcome back . I've been M.I.A. for a little while. And I'm sure you can guess lots of things have happened since last time. I'm currently writing this from my bath tub, the tub I filled with about 4 cups of Epsom salt because I'm dramatic and hope it will be a miracle worker. And I just finished crying . Today has been rough. I haven't been one to complain about pregnancy but today has got me feeling all kinds of miserable. I hurt. I No longer have ankles. Or heels. I can barley wiggle my toes.  I can't stand without someone's help.  And the only way I can walk without excruciating pain, is if I waddle. I'll back up to the last week of my life.  Because that's where things got interesting. We finally made it to our goal of 34 weeks. Meaning,  if baby decided she was ready to come,  the doctor wasn't going to stop her. But thankfully,  she didn't come. ...

The other day, I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a "friends"post about how people shouldn't complain about pregnancy because not everyone can be pregnant or they've dealt with an unfortunate circumstance of miscarriage.I'm not  heartless, I feel for all those women in the worls. And although I understood her point of view,I'm on the other side of things to say, It's okay not to be okay while pregnant.   Since I was high school, I have always suffered from depression/anxiety. I started taking  medications for it around my sophomore year . It was something that ran in our family. Its just something you learn to live with. After a few years of medications, I met my (now) husband, and decided I didn't want him to think I was crazy and I didn't want to rely on the pills to make me feel good. And it worked for awhile. He took away a lot of the pain and didn't even know it. But the summer before our wedding I decided it was time to try ag...